Slowly Rebuilt
by summertimewriter
Summary: Lily Evans is finding it harder and harder to put her trust in people and let herself be vulnerable. James is forced to become the mature young man that people expect him to be, and the only way either of them can grow as people is if they grow together.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: all this belongs to JK Rowling.

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Again. All this was happening again. But why? What has she done to deserve this? This one last brutal attack to her heart was enough to make her want to give up for good. She didn't want to believe it, she should have known that he was the same as every other man she had met; cruel, selfish, uncaring. How could she have been so stupid to believe he had been so different? But she knew the answer, she was a foolish girl who had been torn to pieces by all the men she had poured her heart out to, and he had been there to put her back together. And he stayed. Long enough to take what he had wanted, to rip out the seams that he had so carefully stitched back together, and then leave abruptly from her life. She no longer cared about the tears that poured endlessly down her cheeks, or the ripped hem of her school robes, or the curious stares she received as she ran as fast as her feet would carry her.

She came to a halt in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. "My dear what is wrong?" she asked, observing the young girl's tear stained face and distraught appearance.

"Devil's Snare." She muttered impatiently, waiting for the fat lady to let her in. She pushed her way through the portrait hole to find an empty common room. She trudged her way up the stairs to her dormitory feeling beaten down. Not even bothering to remove her shoes, she flung herself onto her bed and wept, head buried into her pillow. She tried to remember her mother's words _"Crying never did anyone any good." _She sat up holding her head in her hands and tried to calm herself. The events of the day had weighed heavily on her, and she just wanted to rest, to forget everything.

She slept fitfully that night, waking frequently, drenched in sweat and shivering all over. Each time she woke she could barely remember what she had been dreaming about. Her dreams came in quick, brief flashes, each worse than the last. She dreamt of the beech tree by the lake, someone twirling in the air upside- down as if held there by an invisible rope, she dreamt of the arrogant sneering face of James Potter, the face of a pale boy with dark oily hair. The face of this boy belongs to Severus Snape, and his face popped up in her dreams more than all the others, and each time it did, she would wake up, shaking and scared, unable to remember what had woken her in the first place.

She woke up late in the afternoon the next day with a pounding headache. Sitting up slowly, she looked around the dormitory, she had not seen her roommates since the end of the OWLS. She supposed she would have to tell them why she had missed three meals in a row. Just the thought of having to share aloud what had happened the day before almost had her in tears. She was bitterly made aware of the fact that she now had no best friend to lean on anymore, not since he had made it clear that she was not worthy of him and wanted nothing to do with her. She slowly got up, now acutely aware of the hunger growing in her stomach. Realizing she already had her clothes on from the day before, she quickly brushed her long mane of red hair and hurried off to the kitchens. She composed herself with the carefully structured facade that she wore on her face every day. A look of calculated indifference that no one questioned, the look she wore when she knew that it would be easier to shove her feelings down. It is better this way. **You can build a wall around your heart, **a small voice in her head told her, **you can make the walls thick, so that no matter how many people try to chip away at it, they'll never be able to reach the center, and you will never have your heart broken again. **And she listened. She knew it was pointless to try to resist. Descending into the kitchens she found that someone was already there. She turned around and tried to exit quietly but they had already heard her enter.

"Lily!" exclaimed James upon seeing her. She kept walking toward the exit but he grabbed her wrist to hold her back. "Lily wait!" she turned around, roughly pulling her wrist out of his grasp.

"Leave me alone Potter."

"Lily, please, I need to talk to you."

"Talk to me about what Potter? I have nothing to say to you, and , to be frank, I don't care about what you have to say." She said as she walked back up the stairs.

"Lily it's about Snape." She froze and spun around, her rage barely concealed as she looked straight at him.

"How _dare_ you speak to me about him! I don't need you to tell me my business! If you knew what was good for you, you would mind yourself and _stay away _from me!"

He opened his mouth to say something but was immediately silenced when she slapped him across his cheek. She turned on her heel and left him there, rubbing his cheek in pain. He knew she was grieving, he only had wanted to ease her pain, but he knew he was in no place to even attempt it. She loathed him. Feeling dejected, he left the kitchens and stopped just outside.

"Sirius, it didn't work." He said, seeming to be talking to the air when a young man revealed himself from under an invisibility cloak.

"Yeah I could tell. When she walked out she was seething. Sorry mate," said Sirius. Sirius Black was the most sought after guy in Hogwarts. Every girl in Hogwarts had had a crush on him at one point or another, even a few guys. Known as the schools charmer, his looks and way with words had gotten him almost everything he wanted. Both James and Sirius had multiple girls chasing after them, their combination of charm, confidence, and looks had made them a perfect team.

"Yeah well, I'll get through to her sooner or later" he said as he ruffled his hair, trying to appear nonchalant. When he first saw Lily there was something about her that he could tell made her very different. Whether it was her undeniable beauty, her quiet dignity, or her haunting demeanor, he wasn't sure, but there was something about her that enraptured him and all other males that saw her. From the beginning he had only wanted to get her attention, not unlike many others, and was constantly showing off for her. But to her he was just the same as any other guy she had met if not more annoying.

Lily returned to her dormitory in no better a mood than when she left, and she still had not yet eaten. But when she entered the room she found Mary Macdonald, Marlene McKinnon, and Alice Prewett all sitting on Mary's bed.

"There you are Lily!" exclaimed Alice, who was a petite girl with fair skin and short brown hair.

"We were worried about you. We haven't seen you all day today! Is everything alright?" asked Mary. Mary was favored by Lily over all the other girls in their dorm and the only one Lily had ever really opened up to. Mary also had fair skin but long blond hair.

"I'm fine" she replied walking over to her bed, removing her shoes and not saying anything else.

Marlene finally spoke up, "But Lily, You missed three meals in a row! We're worried."

"I just slept in is all," she replied. She didn't want to relive it, to see the looks of pity on their faces when they found out that her best friend from even before Hogwarts thought she was nothing more than a mudblood. She didn't want to believe it, when she heard him utter the words, all she could do was stand there. She felt as though she had been punched, and kicked, and beaten down, because Severus Snape, of all people, could not think _that _of _her. _Her eyes burned, and she struggled to push her emotions down again.

"Okay, but you should probably get ready, dinner will start soon."

Not trusting her voice, she nodded. She wasn't sure how she would be able to go to dinner and face him, in the presence of the whole school. Severus Snape had helped her heal. **He also made you how you are today. You are suspicious of everyone. **_**Because of him.**_She shook her head. No. It was her fault she believed him. She remembered something he told her the week before they started fourth year:

"'_Nobody cares about anybody in this world. We all just use each other. To feel good, bad, or nothing at all. The lucky ones are real good at it. The rest of us just take what we can get.' He looked down at his hands. Then back up to Lily. She looked skeptical._

'_How can you say that Sev? You judge too harshly. There are plenty of good people out there, people who _care_, you just have to find the right ones.'"_

She was a silly naïve girl then. But then of course, that was before everything had happened. Not everyone was heartless, not everyone wanted to use each other, it was just the men. Because every man she had grown attached to had shoved her away. She had given each one her heart, and they tore it to pieces.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to JK Rowling

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Lily Evans was grateful that the coming week was the last before summer starts. She needed to recuperate, to put herself back together, to ensure that no one else could get inside her head.

During dinner she noticed that the noise level at Gryffindor table was dramatically lower. Looking around for the reason why she noticed that four of the very loud Gryffindor boys were missing. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were the main reason behind the obnoxiously loud noise levels at the Gryffindor table. So why were all four of them gone? Looking around the great hall she noticed that others were missing as well. Professors McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Slughorn were missing as well. She looked over at the Slytherin table for Slughorn and noticed that Snape wasn't there either. What is was going on? She turned back to her friends, her brows furrowed in thought.

Deciding that she was no longer hungry she pushed her plate forward and got up. Her roommates raised questioning eyebrows.

"I'm going to bed," She explained, "I'm not feeling well..." she lied. Upon exiting the great hall she realized that she did not want to go up to the small, cramped dormitory to be alone with her thoughts. She figured a stroll about the castle might settle her a bit. That was one of the perks about being a prefect. If a teacher had asked you what you were doing when it was past dark, you could just say you were on patrol. The corridors were quiet and dimly lit, perfect for her restless mind to gather her thoughts.

It had been a long and rather exhausting day, her emotions were running high-though she made sure to keep them in check- and she felt as if she were on the verge of her breaking point. She checked her watch and realized it was getting late. She doubled back, beginning to feel the fatigue kicking in. She was just about to turn the corner that lead to Gryffindor tower when she heard a faint murmur of voices, steadily rising as she grew closer. There were only two, but they seemed to be arguing heatedly. She realized that the people to whom the voices belonged to were that of James Potter and Sirius Black. Normally she would have jumped at the opportunity to punish James and Sirius for being out of bed after curfew, but, curiosity got the better of her. She strained to hear what they were saying as she edged toward the corner, closer to their voices.

"…Sirius! Can you just listen?" said an angry and exasperated James, "You almost cost Snape his life! You lead him into a death trap!"

"But he was asking for it James! The way he was snooping and following us! I got dead tired of it!"

"So you retaliate by _using _one of your best friends to do the dirty work for you? Did you even stop to think about Remus' feelings in all of this? How do you think Remus would have felt if he did kill Snape? Can you even imagine how he's going to feel now that he knows he almost attacked two people? Now that _Snape _knows his secret?

Sirius looked down at his feet in in remorse.

"How could you have been so stupid? So selfish? Remus is our best friend. You didn't even consider him and then you went and used his curse to your advantage!" James voice was shaking with rage.

"Look I'm-" but he never finished his sentence. Lily winced as she heard the sickening crunch and a string of profanities as James fist connected with Sirius' nose.

"You deserve your punishment," spat James, "And you are lucky Dumbledore didn't have you expelled. Merlin knows I would have." And with that he slammed the portrait door closed behind him, leaving Sirius with a bloodied and broken nose, and an ever growing mountain of guilt.

So Severus' assumptions were correct. Remus Lupin was a werewolf. As she could only assume from the conversation she'd just overheard. She didn't want to believe it, but she knew it was true. She always sort of figured that was the case. Leaving every month to visit his "sick mum", but upon returning, he was the one who looked sick. And it only made sense that tonight was the full moon. She had tried not to pity him, but how could she not? He was one of those rare people, and he was bound to this curse for his entire life. Forced to suffer immense pain and always in fear of discrimination should his secret be discovered. And his secret had been compromised by his best friend to his enemy. And for the first time, she found herself agreeing with James. Sirius Black had acted stupidly and selfishly. If it were her choice she would have had him expelled too. And then there was Severus. Just thinking about him still hurt. And he had almost been killed. But, like Sirius said, he had probably deserved it. But, how did he escape a fully transformed werewolf? If Severus really had seen Remus in his transformed state then how did he get away? Fighting off a werewolf was something that only a fully trained wizard could do alone. But, she supposed it didn't matter. As long as no one had gotten hurt right?

Not sure how long Sirius was going to stand outside the portrait hole, she quietly slipped away to take another route to make it seem like she had gotten there after James left. Approaching the portrait she looked at Sirius, who was sitting on the ground with his head in his hands. Deciding that he would probably deserve it, she yelled at him.

"Oi! Black! What are you doing? You're not supposed to be out passed hours! That's a detention for you!"

He groaned into his hands and she smirked in grim satisfaction as the portrait door closed behind her. But, she still felt no better about her situation, in fact now, it seemed like it was even worse. She sighed as she realized she should probably help Remus in any way she could without disclosing that she already knew his secret. Especially since he would probably be dealing with a lot once he found out about this whole debacle and he was the only Gryffindor boy she got on well with. She entered her dormitory and found all three of her roommates already there.

"Oh! Erm, hi." She said as she walked over to her wardrobe.

"Lily! We thought you were going to bed. Where were you?" asked Mary.

"Oh, I um, got held up by Slughorn on the way back." She said quickly, pulling her hair down and changing into her pajamas.

"Oh. So er, Lily, We heard that-that you and Severus got into a bit of a row yesterday…" she paused, unsure of what to say next, "Are you alright? I mean um, how are you holding up?"

Lily sighed. She was hoping this topic wouldn't come up. But, she had been expecting it anyway. "Oh. That. We are no longer friends. That is to say, I am no longer friends with him." She said trying to sound indifferent. As if she was discussing a topic such as the weather rather than losing a friend.

"Oh Lily, I'm so sorry." Said Marlene, but Lily knew she wasn't. None of her friends liked Severus, "if there is anything you need, we're here for you." The other girls murmured their assent.

"Thanks guys, but, I just want to go to bed right now."

They all nodded in agreement and went to their respective beds as well.

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	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.K. Rowling

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He had finally worked up the nerve to enter the common room. He braced himself for the stares he would no doubt receive. For the argument outside had not been a quiet one. He walked slowly and with trepidation toward the stairs of his dormitory. Each step up the stairs to his dormitory felt like an eternity, his hand clenched the rail as if holding on for life. His fingers trembled as they closed around the cold crystal doorknob. The creak of the opening door challenged the oppressive silence that hung in the air. The darkness of the dorm was overwhelming as his eyes struggled to adjust. He could barely make out two sleeping figures. He walked closer to James' bed and knew instantly that James was only feigning sleep, the rise and fall of his chest was too deliberate to be convincing. He continued over to his bed, taking extra care to walk heavily and step on the floorboards that creaked. He sat down on his bed, the mattress springs groaned under his weight. He shrugged off his robes and shoes and pulled the blankets over him. He turned to look at James.

His tired eyes were wide open, watching Sirius with an unreadable expression; his face was gaunt and gray under the light of the moon, his unwashed face had an almost waxy look to it. Sirius sent James a silent plea for forgiveness, hope desperately clawing at his heart and evident in his eyes. James merely shook his head and turned over in his bed, away from Sirius.

Sirius sighed, releasing the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. How could he make it up to James? To Remus? James hadn't even been willing to talk to him, so how could he prove he was sorry?

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Breakfast the next morning was despondent for the marauders and this was well observed by those who were dining in the great hall. James and Peter were down early, which was cause for them to receive many stares. They normally came to a meal when it was halfway over (so as to make an entrance). Not only that, but James' other half was nowhere to be seen, and Remus, they presumed, was gone visiting his sick mother again.

James and Peter were currently eating in silence, an abnormally large amount of food was piled onto their plates-they were planning on skipping lunch to visit Remus in the hospital wing. Remus was in a particularly bad condition because he had not had James or Sirius to keep him from biting and scratching himself when he was alone in the shrieking shack. On a normal full moon- or a full moon that was spent with James, Sirius, and Peter- Remus was able to be distracted by his companions as well as kept under control, but, without them, he became nervous and self-destructive. And the morning after nights such as these, Remus was tired, grouchy, and emotionally unstable, which was why none of the other marauders wanted to even attempt to shed light on the reason why he was left alone in the first place.

After an uneventful morning in their classes, James and Peter left Slughorn's room in the dungeons and made their way to the hospital wing. However, upon entering the hospital wing they found their way blocked by a fuming Madam Pomfrey.

"Good Merlin! This boy needs his rest! He'll not be having any visitors until this evening!" she all but yelled.

"But-"

"I don't care how urgent it is Mister Potter! He already has enough to do with already!"

"Oh come on Poppy," her eyes narrowed at his use of her first name, he continued, ignoring her obvious displeasure at his manner of addressing her, "he'll want to see us!"

"I'm sorry, but he already has a visitor by request of Professor Dumbledore. You'll just have to wait."

"A visitor?" piped up Peter, "Who?"

"Never you mind," she replied, her eyes flashed in irritation.

James huffed, recognizing defeat, and turned away tugging Peter along with him, who was trying to get Pomfrey to concede by saying "please" an innumerable amount of times.

They strode away, both disappointed by the outcome of the morning, and progressed toward the great hall for lunch, for they were considerably hungrier than they predicted they would be. They looked around for seats upon entering and found that the only seats that were open were either right next to Lily and her friends or across from them. James sighed; this was going to be a long and awkward lunch-for both of them. He sat down next to Lily and Peter sat across from him. He frowned as he felt Lily stiffen beside him. He tried to catch her eye but she was looking determinedly at her plate of food, pretending to take no notice of him. He sighed and turned away, grumpily piling food onto his plate.

It wasn't his fault Snape said what he said. Okay, maybe he hadn't done anything to help either, but he wasn't going to just stand by and do nothing. It killed him to see her like this, cold and indifferent, when he knew she was struggling to just keep it together. Even now as he watched her, her jaw would clench and unclench and her fingers trembled ever so slightly, but her face remained a careful mask. No one else could see these subtle differences, to them she was just the same, somewhat stern, but all around good natured, perfect, Prefect, Lily.

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	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.K. Rowling

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Evening came much slower than it should have. Any time one of the Gryffindor's glanced at a clock the hands seemed to have moved only a few minutes forward- granted, they checked every few minutes- and each and every one of the professors seemed to have put together an especially boring lesson. Professor McGonagall had them take notes on the procreation of transfigured animals, Slughorn had them take notes on the properties of billywig stings, and Kettleburn had them observe the cry of the Jabberknoll before its death, all of which they had studied extensively in the weeks before their OWLs. James and Peter were currently on their way to the hospital wing, yet again, to see how Remus was holding up, but they dared not to get their hopes up if Madam Pomfrey were shoo them away again.

They pushed open the heavy doors to the hospital wing and stepped inside, so far undeterred and undetected by Madam Pomfrey. They looked around the brightly lit space and spotted Remus' regular bed; shielded by the flowery curtains drawn around it. They hurried over to the bed and pulled the curtains back looking down upon Remus. He was awake, reading a book, and nibbling on a bar of chocolate, but, he looked pitiful. There were multiple bruises on his face, his hands and forearms were so badly cut it looked as though he had shoved them in a meat grinder, and his torso was wrapped in a bandage in which spots of blood were steadily becoming larger and darker. He looked up at them and attempted a smile but his tired and sad eyes betrayed him.

"Hullo," he said dully, "Sorry I forgot to return your invisibility cloak," he nodded toward James, "I was…Preoccupied," he said with a wry grin, trying to sound light.

James sighed heavily, "I'm sorry Remus, really I am."

"For what? _You_ didn't do anything," he said, his tone laced with bitterness.

"I know but-"

"-but nothing. Listen if it hadn't been for you this situation could have been a lot worse, you sort of save me a lot of pain, and another life." Remus looked down at his book then closed it, setting it aside. "Dumbledore came by yesterday to tell me what happened, so did Sirius." James eyes darkened at the mention of his best friend.

"Look, I know you want to be angry at Sirius," Remus continued, "I know he betrayed all of us, especially me, and he agrees that we- all of us- have every right to be angry at him, _but_, I think you shouldn't be so hard on him."

James stared at him in disbelief, "You're siding with _him_ on this? He completely disregarded-"

Remus cut him off, "I'm not siding with him on anything. He knows that he lost my trust and nearly my friendship but he does regret what he did. He doesn't have anyone else right now."

"But regret isn't enough! He almost got Snape and I killed! Not to mention that he gave Snape the ticket he was looking for to make you an outcast for the rest of your life!"

"Yeah but if you don't forgive him he is going to be an outcast for the rest of his life! He has no family anymore, remember? Dumbledore has already given him his punishment, he doesn't need his friends to punish him too!" Remus declared.

"Fine. But only because you forgave him," he said begrudgingly. A heavy silence filled the room. All three boys were looking everywhere except at each other when James finally broke it, a question weighing heavily on his mind, "What did Dumbledore talk to you about? Did he say what is going to happen now? I don't know much besides Sirius' punishment."

"Yeah, he said that aside from Sirius being banned from the quidditch team and Hogsmeade for all of next year, he had to write to your parents to tell them what happened."

"Anything else?" he asked apprehensively.

"Er yeah…" Remus looked down rather nervously, "Dumbledore knows."

"Knows what?" asked James, slightly panicked now. If Dumbledore knows…. But he didn't want to even think about it. He, not to mention Sirius and Peter, would be in heaps of trouble if Dumbledore found out.

"That you three are animagi." Remus said, slightly flinching at the last word as if preparing to be hit.

James heart sank. He didn't know how he was going to face Dumbledore now, or his parents, or the Ministry. He wouldn't be able to handle seeing the look on his father's face when he found out that his very own son was an illegal animagus. How would the Ministry react when they found out that the son of the head of Magical Law Enforcement was breaking laws right under his nose?

Remus continued, "Dumbledore wants to speak with all three of you after dinner. He was going to have McGonagall come and collect you."

"Oh," was all James could say. He looked over at Peter who hadn't said a word all this time. He was rocking back and forth on his heal looking like he was about to cry. James felt a surge of pity for Peter. He knew Peter's home life wasn't very good, terrible in fact, and that Peter's father was probably going to punish him more harshly than James even wanted to imagine.

()()

Standing in his office waiting for him to arrive felt like the worst kind of psychological torture any of them could imagine. All three of them stood there, looking down at the threadbare rug under their feet, awaiting what could possibly be the worst meeting of their life. None of them was sure how Dumbledore was going to handle it; whether he was going to be extremely angry or extremely disappointed they didn't know, but they couldn't discern which was worse.

They all looked up when they heard the door open and Dumbledore entered, followed by McGonagall. He looked worse for the wear, his shoulders sagged and his eyes had heavy bags under them, his auburn hair seemed to be more streaked with gray than they could remember. But, when he turned to face them his eyes shone with a vitality that surprised them all. He proceeded to look at each of them in turn, his gaze never wavering. James forced himself to look him directly in the eye, to not break contact, but he found this extremely difficult since Dumbledore's scrutiny seemed to pierce his very soul.

"Well," he began, "I can't say I didn't see something like this coming. My entire angle this year was to motivate you to learn loyalty and unity. I can't say I'm surprised that you three, of all the students, seemed to take this to heart the most," he said reflectively, with a small chuckle, which surprised the boys even more, "However," he added, his eyes flashed darkly and his demeanor changed considerably, "I cannot say I foresaw that you would go so far as blatantly disregard the law, to run around every full moon with a werewolf, put your lives in danger and put the other student's lives and the civilians of Hogsmeade in danger. I understand that you were attempting to be a good friend to Remus but this," he said disgustedly, "is going too far."

All three of the boys knew this was coming, but nothing could have prepared them for the guilt that weighed down on them now.

"I am especially disappointed in you James. You of all people should know better than this. If your father were to find out that despite all his hard work, his own son was breaking serious laws, he would be devastated far more than you can imagine."

James finally spoke up, confused, "Wait, when you say _if_ my father were to find out-"

"I mean that your father does not yet know of your law breaking. I have not told him."

James was stunned to say the least. But, it seemed too good to be true that Dumbledore had not uttered a word about this to his father.

"Because," he resumed, "You are going to tell him."

James jaw dropped. "What?" he said, feeling very unnerved now.

"Yes, as are you Peter, and of course you Sirius, will be writing to Mr. and Mrs. Potter seeing as you are now living with them."

They were all speechless, and one by one they were beginning to lose their nerve, feeling as though they'd each been reduced to putty.

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	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.K. Rowling.

Warning: This chapter is a little heavy, just to let you know. I was thinking of rating this story M for the theme in this chapter (Don't worry nothing gory) but, I figured you guys can handle it. You are going to get a little peek of Lily's background and why she is the way she is. More will be revealed about her in later chapters as well. Enjoy!

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James Potter stepped out of the small black cab and onto the dusty, beaten path. He inhaled the crisp clean smell that was familiar with the English countryside. But, the feeling of "home-sweet-home" that he normally felt when he returned from Hogwarts was entirely absent. Shouldering his broomstick and dragging his trunk behind him, he started down the path, anxiety rolling in the pit of his stomach.

You could hear the crunch of the gravel beneath the pressure of his trainers with every step he took. Dusk was slowly fading into night as the last rays of the sun sunk below the horizon. A wide, green, and empty valley lay before him. His pace quickened with the gentle downhill slope that the path had taken. Wild berries grew on small shrubs that had sprouted on either side of the path. A large unkempt hedge grew parallel to the path on the left side, shielding the lavish property that lay behind it from the occasional passerby. He continued along the path for several minutes when the hedge quickly transitioned into a tall, elegant black gate. He stopped in front of the wrought iron masterpiece and placed his hand upon a small metal sphere that protruded from the center of the gate, glowing green at his touch. The gates opened slowly, creaking ominously as they revealed a large estate. He walked quickly through the gates as they closed behind him, strolling up to the ancient wooden front door. He turned the handle, letting himself in. He left his trunk, broom, and cloak in the hall- the elves would get them- and wandered toward the kitchen in the back of the manor.

He walked into the kitchen and spotted his mother and father leaning against the counter speaking quietly to one another, each holding a glass of wine. He stood there for a moment, neither seemed to notice him until he cleared his throat. His father looked up, slightly startled, but then his face hardened as soon as he spotted his son. His mother took in his appearance, he was taller, taller than when she saw him at Christmas, he looked more mature and older, much older. But much more than that he looked weary and burdened, but stronger at the same time, and because of this, her disappointment in him lessened slightly.

"James-" his mother started, but his father held up a hand to silence her.

"Where is Sirius?" he said, his voice rough.

"He is coming by floo," James answered quickly.

"I asked _where_ he is." He said curtly. James looked taken aback. He had never seen his father like this before, so cold.

James spoke the same way his father did, "Tom the barman was at the station. Sirius was talking to him about a job at the leaky cauldron," he said impatiently.

"Don't take that tone with me young man!"

"You're taking that tone with me!"

"I am your father! I have every right to speak to you how I wish! You're skating on thin ice as it is, so you ought to hold your tongue!" James stayed silent. When Harold Potter had taken a breath he continued, "Now you say Sirius is looking for a job?"

"Yes."

"Why?" he said shortly.

"He can't continue to live off of you guys for forever. When he comes of age he wants to be able to support himself."

Harold considered this for a moment then spoke, "Well good. But I'll not have him working at the leaky cauldron. Your mother and I have agreed on a punishment for the both of you. One that will require actual work and that will teach you responsibility," he paused here, glancing at his wife before continuing, "Every weekday, for the rest of the summer, you and Sirius will be working alongside me, as interns, in the Department of Magical Law enforcement." James continued to stay silent, knowing his father had more to say.

"When I have seen that you and Sirius have learned your lessons, then you will be released from your punishment, unless you choose to stay and continue your work." He sighed and looked down at his hands, which were folded in front of him, then back up at his son. "I want you to do well James. I don't want you to goof off your entire life. I want you to contribute to society, to become a mature responsible adult, and to know that you have to work for what you want.

"I realize now that both your mother and I have been far too easy on you. Lately we have just been handing you what you want. I want you to have a good life, not have to struggle like I did because my parents never handed me so much as galleon to live on. I now see that that was a mistake. We have made it too easy for you to get what you want. You are a brilliant and skilled wizard, but you are wasting your talent on trivial little pranks. I mean you taught yourself to become an animagus! Now I do not condone what you did, but if you could apply yourself to your school work like you do to your pranks you could become so much more." He sighed, finished with his lecture. James assessed his father, whose entire head of hair was gray, despite his young age. He could tell his father was stressed at work, there seemed to be a lot more incidents in the wizarding community as of late, each one worse than the last. This observation only made James feel guiltier, he was only adding to his father's load.

"You may go now. When Sirius gets in I want you to send him to us. I would like to have a word with him," he paused to look at James, "alone." He added.

()()

Lily was standing unaccompanied on the platform of the muggle station, excited to see how her mother was doing, but, also worried to see how her mother was doing. Nowadays it seemed like she never knew…. She had been examining her nails when she heard the familiar sputtering of an engine that sounded like it needed to be checked. She looked up just in time to see a beaten, faded, red car pull up in front of her. Smiling to herself she loaded her trunk into the car and walked around to get into the front seat. She closed the door and looked up at her mother, examining her. She looked well, very well actually. Though she still smelled like smoke, she looked nice, her hair and make-up were done, and was that a pant-suit she was wearing?

"Wow mum. You look excellent!"

"Why thank you," She replied, her voice was raspy, as was expected after 30 years of smoking, "I feel excellent, and, I have something to show you…" she rummaged around in her purse for a minute before pulling something out, "Aha! Look…" she said proudly, as she held up a blue token. Lily took it and read the miniscule writing on it:

"_Congratulations on being six months sober!"_

"Six months! Whoa, why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise," it was silent for a moment, then, "I'm sorry Lily, I really am. I wish you never had to go through what you did, and I promise, no more using from now on." Lily appraised her mother's new appearance, she looked like a new woman, her skin was no longer blotchy, her eyes were bright and cheery, not red and watery, and her smile was the brightest she had seen in a while.

"No more needles?" she asked.

Her mother smiled, "No more needles," she confirmed.

"Good. I'm glad."

"Guess what?" she said now excited, "Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?" Lily laughed at her mother's new enthusiasm.

"What?"

"You know that cute little inn? Right around the corner from our house?"

"Yeah….What about it?"

"Well, you are looking at their new manager!"

"Manager? Wow! Way to go mum! When did you start?"

"About two months ago."

"Two whole months? Wow, I think that's the longest so far. I'm really proud of you mum," she smiled sincerely as she said this, "You've really turned around haven't you?"

"Yeah, reckon I have," she smiled and looked fondly at her daughter, as they pulled up to their house, "You know, when did you become so pretty? You must have all the boys chasing after you huh?"

Lily laughed humorlessly, "More than I even want."

"Hm. Well you most certainly didn't get your looks from me. Must've been from Richard's side-" she stopped dead, realizing what she had just said and gave a frightened glance at Lily, whose expression had turned stoic. The silence in the car was heavy, almost suffocating, as Lily's mother tried frantically to change the subject, "I uh, did a bit of decorating while you were gone," she said nervously, "Do you want to come inside and see?"

Lily nodded trying to fight back her emotions. She hadn't given her father any thought for a long time and the feelings she had been holding back for as long as she could remember returned with a vengeance.

She stepped out of the car and looked up at the dilapidated house in front of her. Her mother had replaced the lawn, but it still looked the same on the outside. The paint was peeling, one of the shutters still hadn't been replaced, the only thing that really stood out was the agapanthus, which was flourishing, because Petunia had gardened them religiously.

She followed her mother inside, pulling her trunk with her and leaving it at the entrance. She looked around the house and did indeed spot several new changes. She noticed there was a fresh coat of paint on every wall as she walked toward the back of the house, there was new furniture in the living room, and a new stove in the kitchen. But all these new changes meant she had to have something else….

"Mom, you said you've only been working at the inn for two months right?"

"Yeah why?"

"Well I was just wondering where you got the money to buy this stuff, I mean, it's not cheap."

"Oh, that, yes well," she stuttered slightly, fumbling with her hands before looking up at Lily, "You see when John left, we thought he had spent all the money he had stolen from my account right?"

"Yeah…."

"But, actually he had just pulled it out but never spent it. So, well you already know that the officials had caught him after you visited for Christmas,"

"Yeah, you said when they raided a brothel they caught him inside."

"Well, apparently he had a wad of notes with him, but, the officials didn't know who it belonged to until four weeks ago, and you see before that, I had filed for bankruptcy, missing the same amount of money, more or less."

"And the officials connected the dots," concluded Lily, "They figured the money you didn't have was the money he had."

"Exactly."

"So I'm guessing he is in prison now?"

"Well, about that," she started to get nervous again, not making eye-contact with Lily, "I never charged him."

"You WHAT?"

"I couldn't Lily! I couldn't do it! He had been with me, with us, for so long! I couldn't just send him off to prison!"

"Mum, don't you understand? He never cared about us! All he did was have off with all your money! And for what? To go lose it all on some stupid bets! He spent more time at the casinos than he did with you!"

"Stop it." She said quietly, but Lily didn't hear.

"He has never done anything for us! He was rotten! How can't you see that? He never cared about you!"

"NO!" her mother was shaking now, tears pouring down her red face, "No, I loved him! He was a good man, he was a proper man! It wasn't his fault-"

"It was! He knew! He knew and he kept taking advantage of it!" Her mother was so blind, she had been when she was with John but, Lily had thought she had grown out of it. She was so helpless, John had her mother wrapped around his little finger, and trying to convince her mother of it was like trying to convince a wall.

"He was the same as Richard!" cried Lily. That had done it. Her mother blinked once before completely losing herself, sliding to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Lily's expression slackened, as the realization of what she had just said hit her.

"Oh Mum. Mum, I'm so sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean that. Not at all."

Her mother mumbled something in between sobs, she only caught one word: "go".

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	6. Past and Pending

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.K. Rowling.

This isn't really a full chapter, just sort of a look back into Lily's life.

Warning: Adult theme and adult language.

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_"Mum! Mum! Where are you? We have to go!" exclaimed Lily, while she ran frantically about the house trying to figure out what she needed from Diagon Alley and what she didn't. _

"_Mum! Come on! Mary is waiting for us, we are going to be late!" she yelled._

"_Shut up!" Came the reply from the closest room, but it was a deep grunt, nothing like her mother's voice. She tiptoed to the door left slightly ajar and pushed it open, spotting the figure of her father curled up on the bed. She padded over to his side, the smell of alcohol became stronger the closer she got. His usually handsome face was blotchy, his hair line was receding, and his gut protruded slightly from the mass of blankets wrapped around him. A half empty bottle of vodka was on the bedside table._

"_Dad?" she whispered, gently prodding his shoulder with her finger._

"_Don't fecking call me that," he growled, his slurred northern accent more pronounced than usual, "I sent yer mother off to Laurel's place." Lily's heart sank. Laurel was her parents dealer, going to Laurel's place meant that her mother and father were going to spend the weekend completely unavailable because they were too high to do anything else. Her mother had been clean for all of two weeks before relapsing, again. And she was probably going to have to spend the week at her grandparent's house, again. _

"_Go get me some tea, and some painkillers," he ordered, "and hurry up!" she obeyed, darting downstairs to put on the kettle. She dashed hastily about the kitchen desperately trying to find the painkillers while the tea steeped. She breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled the bottle from under the sink. She poured the tea and scurried back up to her father's room, tea in one hand, pills in the other. _

"_Here you go Da-Richard." She said as she handed him the tea. He brought the cup to his lips slowly, sipping to test the temperature as she watched anxiously. He said nothing. Then, "It's not hot."_

_He set the tea down and stuck out his hand impatiently, motioning for her to hand him the pills. She did. He unscrewed the cap and poured out six pills. _

"_That's a lot Rich-" _

"_Shut up." He said quickly. He put them all in his mouth, and then reached for the vodka, bringing the rim to his lips. _

"_Dad, that's dangerous! Don't-"_

"_I said SHUT UP!" he roared, rearing his arm back and throwing the teacup at her. It hit the wall behind her, shattering, she felt bits of the broken glass that ricocheted off the wall graze the back of her neck as she ducked, covering her head with her hands. _

_He took three large gulps of the vodka and then cleared his throat, "Leave," he said calmly. _

_She tore out of the room, tears running down her face, slamming the door behind her. She took several steadying breaths before going to her room, shaking and crying. She locked her door, and brought her hand up to the back of her neck feeling where the glass had scraped her. She felt the blood that oozed from it right now, warm and wet, leaving a sticky feeling where she touched it. She pulled her hand away and gazed at it, shocked, to see the bright red drops on her fingers. She walked to her bathroom to clean it up and came back to sit on her bed in a daze. This had never happened before, he had never acted out violently, he was just a lot of yelling, so all she could do was lie there on her bed wondering how it had gotten so out of hand. And she lay there, the same thoughts running through her mind, until the sun came up the next morning._

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Crazy chapter huh? Please read and review!


	7. When I Come Home

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.K. Rowling.

So, I wasn't sure whether I should write another flashback on Lily's life or take a quick peek at how James is doing and then do a chapter on Lily. But, I decided this is going to be a relatively short chapter/flashback on Lily's life to sort of tie up some loose ends so to speak. I'm sorry I have to do this but I'm afraid your heart for Lily is going to break one more time. But, don't worry, the next chapter will be on James and Sirius's internships at the ministry. And this chapter is also in the past.

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_ Lily woke up the following morning with a stiff neck- she didn't want to get blood on her pillow. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. The previous day's events flooded back to her and she felt a pang in her stomach. Her room was clean, spotlessly so, she never allowed herself to become sloppy. A habit she had picked up from Petunia. _

_ She descended the stairs as quietly as she could, hoping that her mother was home. She walked through the front room and sure enough there was her mum, curled up on the sofa wrapped up in an old blanket. Her parents never slept in the same room anymore. They couldn't stand each other but, in their sick and twisted relationship, they couldn't be away from each other either. She tip-toed over to her mother and prodded her awake, relieved that her mother had made it home okay. _

_Her mum snored once and then jerked awake, blinking quickly in the bright light. Lily smiled down at her mum, "Morning sunshine."_

"_What time is it?" she asked groggily._

_Lily looked at her watch. "Half nine."_

"_Mhmm. Can you put the kettle on? I'll be up in a minute."_

"_Sure." She walked into the kitchen and, using the same water from the day before, put it on the stove. Her mum shuffled into the kitchen a few minutes later, plopping herself down at the table. _

"_How is Richard doing?"_

_Lily's face hardened but responded politely nonetheless. "He's sick."_

"_Ugh. Again?"_

"_It was his fault."_

"_It always is." Said her mum bitterly. "Alright. I better go check on him. Pour some tea will you?"_

_Lily obliged and handed her mother the tea. She watched her mother ascend the stairs and listened as she heard her mother's footsteps above. She sighed and began making herself tea when she heard her mother's blood-curdling scream coming from her father's room. She grabbed a bat from behind the fridge before hurtling up the stairs. She expected to find her father attacking her mum but stopped dead in the doorway when her eyes beheld the scene before her. Her mom was knelt by Richard's side, clutching his shoulders and crying out to the heavens, tears streaming down her face. She looked at her father who was still wrapped in the blankets, lying next to a bunch of sick, which she could smell from where she was standing. _

_ She took a few hesitant steps forward, shielding her eyes slightly as if terrified of what she might see._

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_ Lily was sitting in the front room, staring at the wall in front of her. The flashing red and blue lights from the paramedic's car waiting outside bounced off the wall. She looked up as she heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. Two men dressed in blue uniforms were making their way to the front door. In between them they held a stretcher. Lily stood up immediately while the two men stopped at her front door. One man started to speak to her, but she heard nothing. Her eyes were fixed on the stretcher, on the blanket that was covering her father's handsome face. Why would they cover his face? His body? Shouldn't she be allowed to see his face before they took him away? She wanted to rip the blanket off him, to see his face one last time. She wanted to yell at them for taking her father away, for taking him away to where they took all the other dead people. He didn't belong there. He belonged here, here with her and her mother and Petunia. _

_Lily looked up when the man finished what he was saying. The other one nodded at her and they both walked out of the house, taking her daddy with them. _

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"_I went to the city morgue today," began Lily's mother. "I brought back a copy of the autopsy report."_

_Lily nodded, not ready to speak. It had been two weeks since her father's passing. _

_Her mother's voice was shaky and tears slid silently down her face. "It- the cause of death was- he- he…" Lily looked up at her mother, whose hand was covering her eyes as her shoulders shook slightly. Her mom took several deep breaths, attempting to calm herself before speaking again, "It was an overdose. The- the alcohol content in his blood was 1.8 percent. They said the alcohol combined with the medication he took is what- what-" her mum began to shake again, a fresh wave of tears threatening to overwhelm her. She took another steadying breath and collapsed onto the chair. _

_Lily felt her heart drop into her stomach. She was the one who gave him the pills. She was the one who didn't stop him from taking them. It was her fault. Her father died __**because of her.**__ "No." She told herself, "You were just doing what you were told." But the still, small voice inside her told her otherwise. __**But, you knew what the pills would do. Yet, you still gave them to him. You wanted him dead and you know it. **_

_Lily dropped her head into her hands. She could feel the wetness of her tears running down her cheeks, her heart ached and her head was pounding. She needed to get away. To run as far and as fast as she could. Perhaps, if she ran hard and fast enough, she could leave this behind her, she could forget it. She lifted her head to look at her mother who was sitting at the table staring blankly at the report. Immediately she dashed up to her room. She threw her door open so hard that it probably would leave a hole in the wall, and set off in a mad dash about her room searching for her trainers and her wand. She ran to the window and slid it open, bringing her leg up and over the ledge. She did the same with her other leg and dropped down onto the overhang above the front door. The chilly night air hit her like a wave as she dangled from the overhang. She let herself drop, feeling the air whistle by her ear for a split second until her feet hit the pavement and she broke into a run. She didn't know where she was going. All she knew was that she just had to run. The wind whipped her hair out her face and the tears out of her eyes. She didn't care what it took, she would keep running, even if her feet bled or she became sick from it. She would run until she no longer cared, until she knew that everything was buried deep inside of her. _

_Every step she took was for a purpose, it had to be. Every stitch in her side down to the very echo of her trainers hitting the pavement was for __**something**__. For her father were the tears that the biting winds forced out of her eyes. For her mother was the stinging in her lungs, dry and struggling to get oxygen. And every slap of her foot against the sidewalk was for every insult Petunia had ever thrown at her. _

_She rounded a corner, stopping abruptly when she realised where she had ended up. She looked around. She hadn't been here in ages. The grass was withered, dead and dry, crunching under her feet as she beheld the park that she had always played at as a little girl. She walked over to the swing set. One of the swings was missing a rope, dangling there sadly and pathetically as the wind rocked it back and forth. She sat down on the only one that wasn't broken and rocked herself to and fro. _

"_Lily?" called out a familiar voice._

_Her head snapped up as she looked around, spotting a dark figure approaching her. "Sev." She replied, relieved._

"_What are you doing out at this time of night?" he asked her as he sat down in the small space left on the swing. _

"_I might ask you the same thing."_

"_I just came to think. You?"_

_Lily shifted uncomfortably, not meeting his gaze. She felt his arm slip around her warming her as shivered. _

"_What is it?" he urged._

_Lily cleared her throat. "It's Richard. He's d-dead." _

_She felt his arm tighten around her as he pulled her in. He was hugging her. "I'm sorry."_

_She buried her face in his coat, inhaling his scent. She didn't love the way he smelled, dusty and of something that had sat in a closet for a while. But, it was familiar to her, it was home. She pulled away, wiping away a lone tear. _

"_You'll be okay." He reassured, leaving a hand on her shoulder and looking intently into her eyes. "We'll be starting fifth year in two weeks, you'll be able to focus on your work, and you'll be able to leave all this behind you."_

"_But it will still be here when I come back." She whispered._

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Hope you liked this chapter. Please review!

I should have done this for my last chapter but I forgot. Whenever I do a chapter that is from the "past" I'm going to name it after a song. (Don't worry, I won't be doing many chapters from the past for a while.) The rest of the chapters are just called chapter 1, chapter 2, etc. etc. So, the last chapter you read is named after the song "Past and Pending" by The Shins. _This_ chapter is named after a song by The Drums. Thank you for reading and again, please review.


	8. Someone Something Jr

Disclaimer: All this belongs to J.K. Rowling.

I would like to thank my one constant reviewer for giving me feedback, it has helped so much. And for you other readers, please pretty please review. I beg you, it helps me so much when you do and encourages me to keep going with the story.

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"Rabastan Lestrange."

"What?"

"Look here. It says Rabastan Lestrange was a suspected Death Eater. 'Convicted of theft, arson, and triple homicide. Involved in the murders of muggle law enforcement squad. Sentence: Case pending.'"

Sirius looked confused, "What do you mean 'Case pending'?"

James shook his head, "I think it means they still haven't decided his punishment."

"Still haven't-But he was captured over a year ago!"

"Yeah but it says that the case was opened again for reexamination because the wand they found on him wasn't actually his wand."

Sirius cocked his head in thought, "How old is that file?"

"Don't know, I found it in the back of the box. It does say he was captured in October of '74."

"What else is in that file?"

James flipped through the other pages, "Um, just details on several of the crimes he was involved in." He closed the file and handed it to Sirius, "Make sure to put that in the right spot. Alphabetical order by the _last_ name, not the first."

"I know…" grumbled Sirius.

James and Sirius were sitting on the floor in Auror Moody's office, sorting and alphabetising copies of criminal records from the past four years. Sirius asked why they had to reorganise so many files, to which Moody replied, "It's the most dull busywork I could find for you two. Now stop asking questions and get to work."

So, for several hours, James and Sirius sat there, sorting files, and occasionally stopping to read the file of a name they recognized. They had been working on the files for the past two days, incredibly bored and both slightly irritated at one another. James believed it was Sirius's fault they were now sorting files, instead of working in the field with James's father. You see, prior to sorting the files, James and Sirius were assigned to keep inventory of "Auror Resources" which meant keeping track of the Aurors weapons and items confiscated from criminals. Even though they weren't allowed to touch anything, they did get to learn all about the equipment Aurors used. That is, until Moody overheard Sirius remark about how fun the job was. Moody then proceeded to move James and Sirius to sorting files, saying that, "Punishment isn't supposed to be fun. It's supposed to make you want to pull your teeth out."

So that's where they were now, two days later, and barely halfway through the files.

"Here is someone else you're related to." Said James.

"James, I'm probably related to every criminal in this box."

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why do you feel the need to announce it?" Sirius snapped.

"Because I _like_ it." Retorted James.

The door to the office opened and Mr. Potter stepped in. "Alright boys, I think you've had enough for one day. You can go on and put that away."

"Finally, Now I can get away from _him_," said Sirius, jerking his head toward James, as he made his way toward the elevators.

"Why do you want to get away from me? I haven't done anything!" Shouted James as he roughly jammed the elevator doors closed.

"'I_ haven't done anything!' _Blah, blah, blah. You're always making little snide remarks, and it's driving me insane."

"Driving you insane? I'm not the one who got us landed in this boring job. _You_ were."

"Oh Cor! Will both of you shut up?" exclaimed Mr. Potter, "You two have been bickering all week like little bloody children! It's driving _me_ insane. So just shut the hell up!"

James and Sirius exchanged glances, crossing their arms and pouting for the rest of the ride down. When the doors of the elevator opened, their eyes fell on a scene of utter chaos.

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Sorry, to do that to you, but I love cliff hangers. And I've decided that I'm going to start naming my chapters anyway. Even if they aren't from the past. This one is after a song by The Growlers. Anyway, please review!


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